Once upon a time, there lived It’s Just Not Dinner without Cat Hair, whose owner was a snarky snot who liked to cook.  After a long hiatus, Just Not Dinner finally began posting recipes and snarkiness again…only to be placed on another hiatus due to a cluster of family illness:

• Ruptured appendix that required 3 weeks in the hospital for The Father
• Uncooperative abscessed front tooth for Just Not Dinner
• 6 cm abdominal aortic aneurysm requiring repair for The Father

All are essentially over with now (well, not so much with my flippin’ tooth) and I look forward to posting recipes and snarkiness again…by the end of this week.

For those of you who followed the saga and messaged me on Facebook, thank you so very much for caring.

Real snippets of conversation late yesterday morning while out running errands with The Man:

After pulling into a parking space at the local Dollar General…which is a hop-skip-and-jump from Subway…

The Man: Man, a Philly cheese steak sure sounds good.

Me: How do you figure you can call it a Philly anything when all you get is bread, meat and cheese?  It’s not a Philly without the peppers and onions. <eye roll>

On our way home from the grocery store…

Me: Let’s go home and unload.  You can go get your meat sandwich then.

The Man: Do you want anything?

Me: <eyebrows raised>

The Man: You can’t eat Subway?

Me: What’s their bread made out of?

The Man: Wheat?

Me: Very good.  Give the man a cigar.

The Man: Probably not, then.

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Honestly, it’s a wonder I still have my sanity.  I guess I can’t say life is boring, since I never know if he’s stuck his glutened hand in the silverware drawer.

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I had a good laugh this afternoon.  While in the middle of setting up to make today’s recipe, I naturally had flours and sugar and stuff all over the counters.  The Man politely asked me if I was finished with the microwave so he could make himself some Hot Pockets.  I told him he could use it – then watched him walk from the freezer to the counter next to the microwave, where my stand mixer and food processor live (until I move them again, anyway).  This is also where I had unloaded my flour containers, which were open.

“SHIT – hang on a minute – do not open that box, don’t put it down…”  I run around moving stuff.  The Man moves to another section of counter and implies I am a crazy person.  I look and sure enough, there’s more baking crap spread out where he’s at now.  I zoom toward him and hurriedly move my stuff out of his way, reminding him, “Anything that could go in my mouth!  You can’t open that anywhere near anything that I could put in my mouth!”  His eyebrows just went higher…and higher…

He got those nasty things nuking and left the room.  While it really wasn’t funny that he once again missed the whole problem (when at other times, he remembers to wash his hands or wipe off counters or whatever), the look on his face as he walked out just set me off.

Apparently I am a crazy person.  But you already knew that.

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I used to adore Fig Newtons.  These bars taste nothing like the Fig Newtons I remember, though.  These have flavor

I am in the process of putting the first bar in my face.  How difficult it is to wait until I get a halfway decent picture before I can dive in!

Fig Bars

Adapted from The Vault

1 8-ounce package dried figs

1 cup apple juice

1/4 cup millet flour

1/4 cup almond meal

1/4 cup tapioca flour

1/4 cup potato starch

1 tsp xanthan gum

1 1/2 cups gluten-free oats

2/3 cup brown sugar, packed

1/2 tsp cinnamon

6 tbsp cold butter, cut into pieces

1 egg

OK – the second one just went in my mouth.  This is not good.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Spray an 8×8 baking pan with non-stick spray and set aside.

Pour the apple juice into a medium saucepan.  Remove the stems from the figs; roughly chop the figs before dropping them into the saucepan.  Bring the figs and  juice to a boil over medium heat; reduce heat and simmer uncovered until the figs are tender and most of the juice has been absorbed (15 minutes or so).  Turn off the burner and allow to cool a bit, then pour the mixture into a food processor.  Pulse the figs until smooth, then move to a bowl to cool the rest of the way.

If you’re lucky, you have a second bowl and blade.  If you’re like me, suck it up…wash and dry them so you can do the next steps.

Put the flours, xanthan gum, oats, brown sugar and cinnamon into the food processor bowl.  Pulse until the oats are finely ground.  Add the pieces of butter, continuing to pulse until the mixture resembles crumbs.  Add the egg while pulsing again until all is combined.

Pour half of the flour mixture into the prepared pan and pat firmly into an even layer.  Spread the cooled fig mixture evenly over the base, then pour the remaining flour mixture over the fig and press gently.

Bake for 25 to 30 minutes.  Cool completely before serving.

After making breakfast this past Saturday morning, I was hard-pressed to make a decision… Did I remain inside to enjoy the lingering scents of gingerbread waffles?  Or did I go outside and clean out the flowerbeds and gardens?  For a good portion of the morning, the scents won.  I reclined on the couch with my Bebook, Hairdropper #1on my lap, and just breathed.  Until I heard the neighbor start his lawnmower.  Then the guilt set in because it was beautiful outside, there was work to be done, and I was still in my bathrobe at 10:00.  So I sucked it up, got dressed and went outside with The Gidge.  Until the lovely pink and red rash began to show up on my arms, anyway (The Man had just mowed and this is what happens when I touch fresh cut grass).

I love this part of spring – the first windows opening, airing out the house a bit, mowing the grass, cleaning out the flowerbeds, imagining what to plant in my vegetable garden this year.  Where to add new posies or pull up old ones.  What I don’t love is having allergies, which naturally flare viciously this time of year

But gingerbread makes everything all better, in my opinion.  Especially gingerbread waffles, which I have been eating each morning since Saturday.  I really need to get a new bottle of molasses so I can make more for the freezer – I want to be able to have these whenever I want.

Gingerbread Waffles

Adapted from The Vault

Makes 8 waffles

1/2 cup brown rice flour

1/2 cup tapioca flour

1/4 cup amaranth flour

1/4 cup millet flour

1 1/2 tsp xanthan gum

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

3/4 tsp ginger

1/4 tsp kosher salt

2 eggs

1/3 cup sugar

3/4 cup buttermilk

1/4 cup molasses

1/4 cup vegetable  or canola oil

Preheat your waffle maker.

Stir together all of the dry ingredients except sugar in a medium bowl and set aside.  In another medium bowl, whisk together the eggs and sugar until thick and foamy.  Stir in the buttermilk, molasses and oil, then pour this mixture into the bowl with the dry ingredients.  Stir well, until all of the dry is incorporated into the wet.  Add about 1/4 to 1/3 cup of batter into each section of the waffle maker (mine only makes 2 square ones at a time).  Close the top and allow the waffles to cook until the outside edges begin to get crispy and the inside is cooked through.  Serve with syrup, whipped cream, ice cream or whatever floats your boat.

…cookies!

And a new laptop because the beast finally gave up the ghost.  Oh, for you to have been a fly on the wall during the week I tried to recover the files on my hard drive – photos, ebooks galore, Wordpress templates,, years of Just Not Dinner stuff…  While trying to figure out Windows 7.  And looking for the damn print icon in Excel 2007.  Fun times, I tell you.

Attempt #1: A network switch.  My theory was that the monitor port on the beast crapped out – the laptop screen went kaput over 2 years ago but I was able to get around that with an old flat screen monitor we had hanging around.  So this past Tuesday evening, I plugged in the network switch I borrowed from work and hooked it up to both laptops.  BIG.  FAT.  FAIL.  I figured, eh – no big deal yet – I did some digging around online and read about Puppy Linux, which would supposedly allow me to access my files on the beast.  I downloaded the program, burned the image to a CD, and went to bed.

Attempt #2: Puppy Linux.  Forgetting about the whole monitor problem, I popped the disk in the cd drive of the beast on Wednesday night.  It booted.  I got the dreaded blue screen of death…before the screen went dark.  OK.  GINORMUS FAIL.  I decided it was okay to freak out just a bit.  The BSOD could be software-related, could be hardware-related.  I prayed to the computer gods that it was software.

Attempt #3: Hard drive enclosure.  Hit Staples before work and bought it.  After doing the big cook for the boss that afternoon and evening, I pulled out my little screwdriver set and got to work.  I wish I’d done a bit of  research before taking out every screw in the bottom of the beast – after which I realized I could just pop the hard drive out of the side with the push of a button.  So I had the hard drive – it didn’t fit in the case I bought.  Until I realized there was a little case around the hard drive that I had to take off first (glad no one was around for any of this).  It slid into its new home, which was then plugged into the new laptop.  Holy cats – there were my files!   All I had to do was unencrypt what I wanted to see/use and I was golden.

I celebrated in the kitchen with cookies.

This recipe came to me via my sister just before Christmas, who got it from a friend.  Because I’d never eaten the gluten version, I asked her eleventy-billion questions about mouth feel, texture, etc. before tackling the recipe.   They turned out wonderfully on the first try, but the icing didn’t do much for me.

Since it was 80 degrees and sunny when I was putting the dough together again this week, I decided to make them spring-y and Easter-y all at the same time.  Because I roll like that, you know.  Why I decided to start playing with royal icing at 11:00 PM, I don’t know.  But the results were so pretty, spring-y and….technicolor, I decided it was worth the lack of sleep.

These cookies are such a taste explosion that really, they don’t need icing at all.  But what’s a cut-out cookie without icing, right?  Do what feels right for you.

It seems like a truckload of extract, I know.  Trust me on this one.

Soft & Sweet Cut Out Cookies

Makes about 3 dozen; I actually got 46 cookies with the cutters I used this time.

3/4 cup brown rice flour

3/4 cup sweet rice flour (white rice flour works also)

3/4 cup tapioca flour

3/4 cup cornstarch

1 tbsp xanthan gum

1 cup cold butter

A dash of salt

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

2 eggs

1 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract (have you made your own yet?  You’ll never buy it again…)

1 tsp almond extract (making this one next!)

1 tsp lemon extract

1 tsp orange extract

In a mixer bowl, sift together the brown rice flour, sweet rice flour, tapioca flour, xanthan gum, baking soda, and baking powder.  Stir in the salt and sugar until well combined.  Remove the butter from the fridge and cut it into small pieces (I cut it into tablespoons, then the tablespoons into quarters).  Turn the mixer on low speed, then add the butter bit by bit, continuing to mix until all of the butter is incorporated and the mixture looks like crumbs.  Add the extracts and the eggs one at a time, continuing to mix on low speed until the dough comes together.  Wrap the dough in plastic wrap (shape it like a flattened disk to make it easier to roll later) and place it in the fridge.  Chill overnight.

When you’re ready to make, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Line cookie sheets with parchment paper and set aside.  Remove the dough disk from the fridge and set it on the counter.  Allow it to warm up for 5 to 10 minutes before starting.

I have rolled this dough two ways – between sheets of waxed paper and also using a dusting of white rice flour on a board.  They work equally well as long as you keep the flour-dusting to a minimum to keep from adding too much extra flour to the dough.  Whichever way you choose, roll the dough out evenly to a thickness of 1/4″ or so – NO LESS.  Tap your cookie cutter edges into a bit of white rice flour before cutting cookies.  Cookies can be placed as close as 1/2″ apart on the prepared pans.  Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through the time, until the cookies are just beginning to brown.  Allow to cool completely before icing.

Note: Leaving the dough at about 1/4″ thick gives a cookie that rises like this.  With a somewhat cakey, soft texture, eating these almost seems decadent!

Icing Recipe that came with the original cookie recipe

Not the icing in the photos

3 cups powdered sugar

1/2 cup butter

1 1/2 tsps almond extract

3 tbsp milk

Whisk all together, adding the milk one tablespoon at a time, until combined and the desired thickness.

Tired.

I have a stack of cookies, cakes,  and other wonderful stuff to share.  But I’m tired.  All the time.  I broke down the beginning of January and started popping a daily truckload of vitamins, hoping that would help.  Not so much.   I’m so tired that I am not sarcastic 24 hours a day; it’s more like only 15 or 16.

I’m barely playing my cheesy little games on Facebook (OK.  Now we know something’s wrong).

My blood pressure, lower than the average person to begin with (about 98 to 108/60 to 70), has on occasion dropped pretty darn low, particularly over the last month.  I still wonder if I should still be here to bless all with my wit after it hit a record low of 70/54 last week (based on a home BP cuff, not the doc).  Needless to say, I’m pounding salt like a crazy woman (how appropriate) but am still quite lethargic at times.

I am holding my own, though, and decided that I need to get back to the snarky attitude I love so much.  Maybe the increase in temperature outside and the clock change will help.  Could be the winter blahs, you know.

This afternoon, The Man came home from his “rounds” (aka a local watering hole or three) and we had a conversation on our enclosed back porch.  It went something like this…

Me: I bet Foodbuzz is regretting signing my butt.  I haven’t posted crap since November.  I need to get off my keister and put this stack of recipes together.  I think I’m going to do a final run on the pate a choux recipe I reworked on Valentine’s Day and try to get it up on the site in the next day or so.

The Man: Where’s the dog?

Me: Outside where you put her.  If I do this, are you going to help me eat it?

The Man: What’s she doing?

Me: Staring at the road.  Answer my question.  I can’t have all this crap sitting around because I.  Will.  Eat.  It.  All.

The Man:  What’s for dinner?

Half an hour later…

I am standing at the counter to the right of the stove.  In front of me is a bowl of eggs, a few empty shells, and a saucier containing the pate a choux dough with a couple of eggs already mixed in.  I am whimpering as I hand-beat each individual egg into the mix in the pot.  Enter The Man, coming in from the back porch.

The Man:  Ewwww.  What the hell is that?

Me: If you had paid attention when I was talking to you before, you’d know the answer to that.

The Man (looking over my shoulder): Is that dinner?

Me: Go far, far away.

So.  Everything you see in the photo, I am currently putting into my face as I type.  I figure the sugar rush will take care of my exhaustion for the night.  If you hear someone outside your window screaming “You can’t catch me, you purple monkey freaks”…it’s just me running around the neighborhood, overcome by sugar.  Please don’t call the police.  Or the scary people with the pretty white buckled jackets.

Or the purple monkey freaks.  I don’t want them to find out where I’m hiding.

Sweet Pate a Choux

Adapted from The Vault

1 cup water

6 tablespoons butter

1 tablespoon sugar

A pinch of kosher salt

6 eggs

7 tablespoons white rice flour (sweet rice flour also works well)

4 tablespoons millet flour

7 tablespoons tapioca flour

1 tsp xanthan gum

Boil together the water, butter and sugar in a saucier pan (if you have one.  A normal saucepan is fine too).  While waiting for the pot to boil (DON’T WATCH IT!), combine the flours and xanthan gum in a small bowl.  When the pot is boiling and the butter is melted, add the flour and begin stirring with a sturdy spoon.  As soon as the flour begins to incorporate, remove the pan from the heat, continuing to stir the mixture until all the flour is mixed in and the dough forms a ball.  Set aside for about 5 minutes to allow it to cool a bit.

Bring a strong arm and some patience, because here we go.  If your arm can’t handle the stirring coming up, please don’t hesitate to use a hand or stand mixer.  It’s all good.  I’m just used to the stirring (and whimpering).

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Add the first egg to the pot.  Using a sturdy spoon or rubber scraper, stir until the egg is completely incorporated.  Repeat 5 more times, until all the eggs are gone.  The dough is going to be thick and sticky.  If the dough seems lumpy to you, you can do a couple of different things: Use the rubber scraper to mash the dough against the sides of the pot to smooth it out or wait until the next step.

When all of the eggs are added, put the dough into a pastry bag fitted with a big round tip or ziploc-type bag.  I tend to use a zippy bag because I can throw it away when I’m done without dinking around with a tip.  If you’re using a zippy, squeeze the dough toward one of the corners and then cut off the corner so the opening is wide enough for what you want to do (cream puffs/profiteroles or eclairs).

Pipe your desired shapes onto the prepared pan.  I often do half of the dough in long strips for eclairs and then the other half, intended for cream puffs or profiteroles, is piped into golf-ball sized mounds.  When you’re done piping, wet your fingertips to pat down any peaks you may have left behind in the dough.  You don’t want them to burn.

Place the pan into the oven and bake for 10 minutes at 425 degrees, then drop the temperature to 350 and continue to bake for an additional 12 to 15 minutes.  The tops of the pate a choux shapes should be a lovely golden brown when they’re done.  Remove from the oven, then poke a toothpick into the center of each one (from the side, not the top) to let the steam escape.  Place them on a rack to cool all the way.

Now comes the sugar.  Lots and lots of sugar.

You can serve these a number of ways, of course.  I haven’t provided a filling recipe because there are so many things you can do.

Eclairs: Think custard-filled long john doughnuts.  You can fill these with pastry cream, pudding, etc.  Have to put good chocolate frosting or ganache on the top though.  You can fill them either by slicing each one in half and spooning the filling on or piping the filling into the center with a pastry bag.

Profiteroles: These are the small round golf ball ones, sliced in half.  Put a scoop of your favorite ice cream on the bottom half, put the top onto the ice cream, then drizzle with chocolate syrup.

Cream Puffs: Same as profiteroles, but with whipped cream as the filling.  Dust them with powdered sugar for serving.

Do the purple monkey freaks see me?  Oh crap, I better go hide.

Certainly hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving with those they love.

Me – I am about turkeyed out.  It was just The Man and me, so I made a breast and got two legs for him.  The carcass fit perfectly into my 6-quart stock pot, so less than an hour after cleaning up the kitchen, I made a new mess.  Go figure.  I’ve eaten turkey sandwiches for every meal except breakfast since then.  Breakfast has been leftover pumpkin cake (grin).

Well, until this morning, when I finally hauled the upcoming recipe out for one last test before putting it here.  But let me fill you in before I get to that.

Our last day out at the haunted barn was October 31st – the first time we’ve ever been open on Halloween.  We had a good time, even though our traffic was slow, but we were tired when we finally shut down at 10 PM.  We went right back out the next morning and tore the place down so we didn’t have to look at it again for a while.  Unfortunately, with all the rain in October and the craptastic weather we had nearly every weekend, our incoming funds were…shall we say…not very incoming.  It was a very disappointing season.

It took me two full weeks to recover from this year’s barn – I really don’t know why.  I still tire easily but not as bad – I figure it’s getting better because I am eating healthier again.  So what do I do once I start feeling more normal?  Beat the hell out of myself again by attacking the disaster area that was my basement.  Certain people tend to just haul shit down the steps, put it down, and there it sits.  Do that for 6 months or so – add in the removal and replacement of certain scary effects and props – and it becomes hell.  The last two weekends have been spent trying to find the basement floor.  Yesterday afternoon, it finally started to look better – after 15 50-gallon garbage bags were removed along with umpteen million boxes (I finally got the nerve to go through Nana J’s stuff).  Today, it’s pretty much done.  Thank god.

I had no idea that there were 3 boxes of GF “graham” crackers and 2 bags of cream of rice down there.  I also found some other goodies I completely forgot I’d purchased.  Note to self – kill The Man if he doesn’t put shit away properly.  Period.

Anyhoo.  Christmas lights were put up outside this afternoon (now that we could find the crap), so now I can start concentrating on the main floor of the house – another not-as-bad-but-still-yukky disaster.  I need to clean the living room carpet so I can haul the tree up.

As I mentioned earlier, I pulled out the following recipe this morning to make sure I was happy with my final tweaks.  I also wanted something other than pumpkin cake for breakfast (yes, that will come too in time).

I love the way the house smells whenever I cook or bake with cinnamon.  I hopped around the kitchen before my allergy meds had even kicked in (a dangerous prospect) and hummed to The Gidge, who naturally lay right in my path.  I sipped on my daily chai tea latte as I patiently watched the oven door window for signs that my breakfast was ready.

Then I remembered that the damn things had to cool before I could ice them.  Well, hell.

In the morning, patience really isn’t my strong suit.  Usually I am hauling ass around the house, trying to get myself fed, the dog out to do her business, clothing that won’t make the eyes bleed, etc.  But today, for some reason, I just grinned and pulled out two of the leftover waffles from making my Thanksgiving dressing, tossed them in the toaster oven, dumped some boysenberry syrup on them, and sat down with Facebook (huh) while I waited.

I am very pleased with these.  They were worth the wait.

Cinnamon Scones

Adapted from a recipe in The Vault

1/3 cup brown rice flour

2/3 cup tapioca flour

1/3 cup millet flour

1/3 cup nut meal (I have used both hazelnut and almond)

1/3 cup arrowroot powder

2 tsp xanthan gum

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp kosher salt

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 cup butter

1 egg

3 tbsp brown sugar

1/3 cup buttermilk (regular milk works fine if you don’t have buttermilk or lemon juice to add to regular milk for the souring effect)

See below for topping ideas

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry ingredients.  Cut the butter into tablespoon-sized pieces and drop them into the bowl, then mix until the mixture becomes crumbly.

In a small bowl, combine the egg and buttermilk  Add this to the flour/butter mixture, then stir for about 2 minutes or until everything is well combined.

Now, the batter is pretty sticky, so here’s what I do (and it works).  Lay a piece (about a foot long or so) of waxed paper down on the counter and lightly spray it with cooking spray.  Pour the batter onto the waxed paper.  Lightly spray your hands (or perhaps a spatula or rubber scraper) and pat the dough into a circle that’s about 3/4″ thick.  Cut the circle of dough into 8 equal wedges.  Use a narrow spatula to lift each piece off the waxed paper and onto the prepared pan.

At this point, you need to decide what you want to do as a topping.  These are quite good plain, but I have a bit of a sweet tooth (NO! Really?) so I like to dress them up a bit.  One thing I’ve done is brush the tops with egg white, then sprinkle a mixture of 1 tbsp white sugar and about 1/4 tsp of cinnamon.  Or you can do what I did this time – keep reading…

Place the pan with the scones into the oven and allow them to bake for 12 minutes.  Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

If you didn’t go the plain route or do the sugar and cinnamon thing, here’s my other preference.  Simple powdered sugar icing, drizzled ever so lightly (or heavily depending on how shaky you are that day) across the tops of the cooled scones – 1/2 cup powdered sugar to about a tablespoon of water-whisk like crazy until smooth.  Add more water if you want a looser icing.  If you add too much water, add more sugar.  Add a bit of extract or cinnamon if you want, too.

I think I’m going to get me one, right now.  And maybe some hot chocolate, too.

I promise to get to another recipe soon (think cinnamon and scones), but for now…

This post was written two weeks ago, but at someone’s request, I held it until tonight.

Begin rant.

There is a small business I know that has struggled a bit the last few years but held its own until the economy hit the toilet last year.

Thanks to places like Walmart, Target, Best Buy, and other large stores that carry the same products this small business does – buying product in considerable volume, so they can pass “savings” onto the consumer – said small business lost some of their customer base.   This lost customer base, switching allegience to the box chains of the country in order to save a buck, would buy the reduced-cost product – which, I might add, is often low-end crap I wouldn’t give to an enemy – and happily go on their way.

How would this switch affect this particular small business owner?  We all know the saying, “You get what you pay for.”  In defense of the box chains, people can purchase items inexpensively because the stores are able to purchase their inventory based on a regional or countrywide chain’s needs.  Great.   Yes, you may pay more if you purchase a product through a small business, but you receive personal treatment, often a file is created for you for subsequent visits, and there may be a trained service department if something goes wrong.

People who purchased from the box chains instead of the small business then expected that the small business would be thrilled to service the low-end crap they bought elsewhere, which failed 30 seconds after the warranty expired.  Did the small business carry on and repair the low-end crap?  I’m not sure.  Did they have the right to refuse to service the low-end crap?  Absolutely.

Due to the stupendous economy, many people in the area are afraid or unwilling to buy medium ticket items like those sold by this small business.  Add them to the lost customer base.

The people who own this small business worked their way up from the absolute bottom of the ladder, under different owners, until they owned the business themselves.

I was raised to keep my money in the town where I live.  Buy local.  Buy American.  Sometimes, I know, this just isn’t going to work, depending on where you live.  But if more of us felt this way and spent our hard-earned cash this way, fewer small business owners would be taking it up the tailpipe right now.   They’re dropping like flies.

This particular small business failure hits extremely close to home, because it’s the business that my father dedicated 40 years of his life to.  This business employed my mother.  It used to employ my sister.  And it went under because we’re…well…cheap.

My father spends much of his free time with various local groups such as the Kiwanis Club, Eagles Club, the local business association, etc.  He’s involved.  For years he taught his trade at the local technical school on top of his long workdays so others could benefit from his knowledge.  He has worked hard all of his life…for nothing, now.  The community he gives so much to didn’t give back to him because his price was a little higher.  Well, gee whiz – he didn’t have a warehouse big enough to hold eleventy-billion appliances like the box chains.  And now an institution in the area, a fixture on Lake Michigan for over 70 years, is no more.  I am just sick.

Please, please, please, people – BUY LOCAL.  Buy from your neighbors, not some massive corporation that only cares about the bottom line.  Support your local economy and actually pay for what you buy.  The next small business to fail could belong to someone YOU love.

Now he’s looking for a job – if he retires, social security won’t pay him enough to live because he didn’t pay himself squat – he took care of his employees first and always.  My mother is looking for a job.  And the big bad bank that is owed a pittance, really, is hunting.

There are people out there with unpaid accounts with my father’s business, bounced checks, etc.  Because these accounts are unpaid (and a large dollar amount), it’s not looking good with what the creditors will do. Show some class, people – pay Greenwood’s the money you owe them so they can pay the credit line that allowed them to buy the appliances that are living in YOUR HOME, not theirs.

I wish there were some way for me to come up with the money to shut up this one specific creditor.  It’s a miniscule amount in the grand scheme of things, and what they intend to do to the store owners is ridiculous over such a small dollar amount.   And I have to say “wow” after googling said creditor and seeing how many people claim they’ve been victims of fraudulent practices by this creditor.

I can’t say I feel hate often, but for the last several weeks it’s been bubbling and brewing in me like a potion in a witch’s cauldron.  Lord help us all if it spews.  Good for you, Mr. Money Bags Banker – you’re not suffering like every other person in this country.  Be an asshole just because you can.  But remember what they say about reaping what you sow.

End Rant.

You guys sure know how to make a girl feel good.

I’ve had eleventy billion emails from various people, wondering where the heck I am, what the heck I’m doing, and most importantly, why I haven’t posted any recipes or snarky stories.  Well, I made a trip north to see the parental figures, sibling, sibling-in-law and ankle-biters, put together a graduation party for The Stepson, created a website for the Haunted Barn, and…

Oh, hell.  I might as well admit the truth.  There’s a new addiction in my life and it’s called Facebook.  Vampire Wars and Mafia Wars and Kidnapped and Pirates and YoVille and Sorority Life and Top Restaurant and Reign of Vampires and School of Magic and Roller Coaster Kingdom and Farkle and Castle Age and…and…and..and…  You get the idea.

(All you fellow Facebook addicts out there, look me up and send me a friend request.)

Sigh.

But in the midst of wasting every moment of my free time playing cheesy games and sending cheesier free gifts, I have been stockpiling.  Stockpiling recipes. And stockpiling fat on my hips because of the recipe stockpile.  Fortunately for you (but not so much for my hips), said recipe stockpile contains MUCH CHOCOLATE.  I know, I know – you just can’t believe that I would be cooking/baking with chocolate.  But hey, you learn something new every day, right?

Chocolate Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins

Adapted from Nigela Lawson’s recipe

3/4  cup brown rice flour

1/2 cup tapioca flour

1/4 cup almond or hazelnut meal (been doing the hazelnut lately and really like it)

1/4 cup arrowroot starch

2 tsp xanthan gum

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

2 tbsp cocoa powder

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup chocolate chips

1 cup milk (I use skim)

1/3 cup canola oil

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup mashed ripe banana (about 2 medium)

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Spray a muffin pan with cooking spray or line the cups with muffin papers.  Me personally, I go the spray route.

Combine the brown rice flour, tapioca flour, almond or hazelnut meal, xanthan gum, arrowroot starch, baking powder, baking soda, cocoa powder, sugar and chocolate chips in a medium bowl.  In a separate bowl, combine the milk, canola oil, egg, vanilla and banana, then pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients.  Stir with a sp0on until just mixed, then scoop the batter into the prepared pan.  Bake for 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the middle of a muffin comes out clean.

This past February, you may recall, I did a quick update in my kitchen and dining room.  Laminate flooring, fresh paint, storage cabinets in the dining room, hard-plumbing of my portable dishwasher, new sink and faucet.  The kitchen was in a shambles for over three weeks that go-round.  I couldn’t do much cooking during the process because I had crap all over my counters.  Tools, shit from the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink, paint rollers – you name it, it was on the counters.

I knew it was going to be a royal pain to remove the existing Kohler ceramic sink.  It’s been there for 20-some-odd years, when the cabinets and countertops were replaced by the in-laws.  Also, knowing my father-in-law, it probably wasn’t installed “normal” LOL

Poor JR.  He’s the guy I hired to do the floor, dishwasher, sink and faucet.  He and his helper started working at pulling out that sink – finally going to get a pry bar out of his truck.  I was told to pray, because new countertops weren’t in the plan and I was rapidly running out of money.  Slowly but surely, the right side of the sink separated from its glue/caulk/cement/whatever and rose toward the ceiling.  The guys carefully chiseled at the adhesive as the sink went up.

I was sitting in the living room, reading or some such nonsense (all the kitchen and dining furniture was hanging out in the living room, so my entertainment options were extremely limited), when I heard…

<CRACK> “Oh, shit!”

I barreled into the kitchen, expecting to see half the countertop gone, if I were judging by the loudness of its complaint.

We were damn lucky.  As the last section of the sink lifted from the adhesive, it snapped a 2″ crack in the formica, right at the edge of the sink – and only the formica was damaged, believe it or not.  The substrate underneath was perfectly fine.  The new stainless steel sink and faucet were installed by a horrifed JR (I had to tell him to calm the hell down; it wasn’t that big a deal!) in short order.  He sealed the crack as best he could and I called it good.

Within a couple of weeks of the installation, I noticed that the sealant used on the crack was gone.  Go Figure – The Man thought it was extra caulk from around the sink and peeled it off. I knew I needed to do something before the wood underneath was damaged, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew I needed to either replace the countertop or cover it with something.  Soon.  To carry us through, I glued the living hell of of the crack.

When I began the whole kitchen thing, I told myself I wouldn’t put anything in that I couldn’t live with for a long time.  I was only spending big money in the room once.  Ideally, I wanted granite countertops.  However, I just can’t suck it up when it comes to the pricing of slabs.  In fact, I sit here shuddering, just thinking about it.

The internet is a very good friend to me.  Every single problem we’ve had in this house that I have repaired, I was able to fix whatever it was because of researching the web.  It was the internet that brought me to the realization that I have a problem with gluten, then it showed me how to get tested…and of course, here we are.

Well, I don’t remember exactly what words I used to search, but I came up with several websites that talked about using granite tiles butted right up against each other – on top of a formica counter.

Holy Sweet Mother of God.  There was my answer.  My countertops, other than the new crack and a few scratches, were damn solid (the formica is installed on 2″ thick wood – and I don’t think it’s plywood, actually).  The cabinets below were handmade, according to my sister-in-law (which is why I kept them – can’t find that kind of stuff around any more without a hefty price tag).

So, hell yeah- granite tile it is.

When we received the farm rental check at the beginning of May, I already had a plan of action (after an assload of research on the web, of course).  I ended up purchasing the tiles from Bedrock Creations, because the tiles come bullnosed.  All I had to do was cut shit to fit (which was a lot scary as I have never used a circular saw, much less a tile saw where I am pushing body parts toward a rapidly-spinning blade).  Bedrock Creations was also kind enough to miter some 45-degree angles on a few edging pieces so I didn’t have that horror to deal with.

I had The Man cut the cement board for me (chickenshit with the spinning blades, remember?).  I glued and secured that shit down (I had to take many, many deep breaths before doing this because I knew that once this happened, I couldn’t stop the project unless I wanted to live with concrete dust throughout the house for the rest of my life), then laid out the tiles so I could mark them for cutting.  Then I had to wait 3 days before I could start tiling (job duties were involved with the delay).

That Sunday, I cranked out the backsplash and field tiles.  Monday after work, I put the edging on.  Tuesday and Wednesday after work were spent laying around with “oh my god oh my god oh my god please don’t let me screw this up” running as a chant in my head.  Thursday, I grouted.  Saturday, I sealed.  This past Sunday, I started installing stainless steel trim on the top of the backsplash and along the bottom of the edging (I totally love that look and I was doing it no matter what anyone said).

I was on vacation this week, but I was so sick of the whole project that I couldn’t bring myself to finish the metal trim until YESTERDAY!  LOL

But damn, don’t it rock?  Ha – rock.  Get it?

Countertops - before

Countertop - after (do you see the bread left of the sink?)

My first baking excursion since the project began was this morning – two more loaves of bread, just to be sure one more time that the recipe worked – because I am at heart a paranoid dork.  A PB&J and patty melt later, I am ready to divulge the goods I alluded to in my last tweet.

This bread recipe has been through the wringer (and probably should go through a few more rounds, but it’s pretty damn good now, in my humble opinion.  I’m thinking of asking it to marry me – The Man won’t mind).  The bread has a thick crust but such a soft, moist interior.  I have to get the second loaf in the freezer, because I am betting the first loaf will be at least half gone by the time I go to bed tomorrow night.

The best thing about this bread (IMHO again) is that it held up to a HUGE sandwich (1/2″ thick with meat, plus lettuce, tomato, cheese….all in all, the sandwich was 3″ tall when I got all my crap on it) without falling apart. Hear that?  No falling apart.  No toasting is necessary.  It’s not all crumbly and nasty.  It has chew.  And oh – did I mention crusty and soft, all at the same time?

Lookit that CRUST!

I recently started doubling the recipe to make 2 loaves at a time (less time dinking around with rising and stuff) and it still works like a charm.

Multi-Grain Bread

Makes one 4×8 loaf

1/2 cup brown rice flour

1/4 cup millet flour

1/3 cup sorghum flour

1/4 cup amaranth flour

1/3 cup cornstarch

2/3 cup tapioca flour

2 tsp xanthan gum

1 tbsp whole millet

2 tbsp oatmeal

1 tbsp flaxseed

If you want to be a little nutty with your bread, you can also add 1 tbsp each unsalted pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds.

2 egg whites

1 1/4 cup warm water

1 tbsp yeast

2 tbsp canola oil

1 tsp kosher salt

1 tbsp dry milk powder

2 tbsp agave nectar

In a large bowl, combine the warm water, yeast, and agave nectar.  Set aside for 10 minutes so the yeast can bloom. In another bowl, combine all dry ingredients.

After the yeast has bloomed, turn the mixer paddle on low and slowly add the dry ingredients, scraping down the sides of the bowl periodically.  Add the oil and egg whites, continuing to beat on low speed.  When the oil and egg are incorporated, increase the mixer speed to medium, add the seeds, and continue to beat for 3 minutes.

While the dough is mixing, grease a 4×8 loaf pan (it works in a larger pan, but you won’t get as much height).  When the 3 minutes are up, pour the dough into the prepared pan.  Place the pan in a warm, safe place to rise for 45 minutes.  DO NOT ALLOW IT TO RISE MUCH LONGER THAN THIS!  I found out the hard way that the bread will end up losing height in the end.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  After rising, place the pan into the center of the oven and bake for 65 minutes.  Remove the bread from the pan within 10 minutes after it comes out of the oven.

I decided yesterday to take advantage of my stuffy nose and stained my little wooden garden enclosure (the smell of stain is nauseating to me) and hit a couple of spots on the deck that had to be skipped last spring because of the growing flowers.  I also tore apart the aquarium, but ran out of juice on that about halfway through.  I suppose I better finish this post and get that done before the fish die from lack of oxygen!

Whenever I feel like crap, instead of going for comfort food, I go for good-for-you stuff.  My appetite is pretty much guaranteed to be non-existent, so if I feel like eating when I have a cold, flu, or something else, I make it count.  Hence yesterday’s breakfast.

I like to eat these with turkey sausage and some fresh fruit.

Multi-Grain Apple Cider Waffles

Makes 12 waffles

1/2 cup brown rice flour

3/4 cup tapioca flour

1/4 cup quinoa flour

2 tbsp amaranth flour

2 tbsp arrowroot starch

2 tsp xanthan gum

1/4 cup gluten-free oats

1/4 cup flaxmeal

1/4 cup rice bran

4 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp kosher salt

2 eggs

2 cups apple cider

1/4 cup safflower oil

1 tsp vanilla

Stir together all dry ingredients in a large bowl.  In a smaller bowl, whisk together the wet ingredients.  Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir well, until completely combined.

Preheat a waffle iron.  Spray both sides with cooking spray; scoop the waffle batter by 1/4 cups onto the hot surface and close the lid.  Cook until the steam coming out the sides stops.